Wednesday, June 28, 2006

To Air is Human

Headline: Air guitarists live out rock dreams with 6 strings of imagination

NEW YORK (AP) - The Bowery Ballroom was packed...

The concert, though, was created purely out of thin air - because this was the U.S. Air Guitar Championships, where last week 15 contestants with such stage names as The Godfather of Air and Thunderpants the Destroyer took to a barren stage, bereft of ... instruments.
What a bunch of dorks. Where do I sign up?

As much as I'd like to point the fender at all of you, I can only speak for myself as I admit, reluctantly and full of shame, that I have participated in this ridiculous activity for years. Not in front of an audience, though, at least not of the paying variety.

As outlandish as it may appear, I have to applaud the people who have enough guts to put themselves in a competition such as this. However bad air guitar may look, it could be so much more horrifying.

It could’ve been air piano. However, I'm thinking that would look more like they were on the verge of stage 2 Parkinson’s as opposed to anything resembling Jerry Lee Lewis – that’s a whole 'lotta shakin' goin' on.

Or it could’ve been an air harmonica contest. How retarded would that look? Are you wolfing down corn-on-the-cob or what? And just forget about violins. Can you say palsy? I would venture to guess, if you're capable of changing a pillowcase that is full of wild monkeys, then you'd probably play the violin very well.

Nope, I’d say guitar, and maybe drums, would be the only things that would fit into this type of obsession without too much retinal damage to the curious onlooker.

Personally, I would rather the use of props. Tennis rackets and broomsticks double nicely as guitars. Which reminds me, wasn't that a Disney movie? By the way, what the hell is a bedknob anyway?

Pool sticks can also work as a guitar or microphone stand, just don't get too close or you'll end up with blue lips. Come to think of it, maybe that's how the whole make-up craze started in the first place!

As for the drums, well, that's cymbal - my favorite is the steering wheel and rearview mirror. A set worthy of the likes of Neil Peart any day.

Although, to the casual observer, you may seem to be either getting stung by billions of killer bees or lapsing into an epileptic fit. Not exactly the typical motorist's idea of a Rush hour traffic jam.

It looks especially retarded when you jump from one instrument to another depending on the part of the song you're listening to. How talented am I??

There are many silly competitions out there, but I’d much rather be a part of this one moreso than, oh say - gorging down 257 hotdogs in 3 minutes.

At least when you’re living your rock star fantasy there wouldn't be a threat of actually choking to death on your own vomit, uh, unless you’re really, really going for authenticity.

No offense, of course, to all you die-hard rockers out there; I was only pickin’. Hope I didn't strike a bad chord. But to make it up to you if I did, I'll end this on a high note with one simple declaration.

For those about to rock - or at least act like it - I salute you!


Blogger JohnB said...

Ugh...almost as bad as Broadway musicals...sounds to be like nature's own accidental...

9:41 AM, June 29, 2006  
Blogger OnMyWatch said...

are you trying to tell me you've never done this before? (not a contest, per se, but you know.)

9:59 AM, June 29, 2006  
Blogger JohnB said...

No actually...I was drunk as hell and don't remember a damned thing. it was all reported back to me later; not that I trust the source or anything!

12:28 PM, June 29, 2006  
Blogger OnMyWatch said...

riiight. You probably sing and play Young Lust from Pink Floyd at least once a month. ;)

12:33 PM, June 29, 2006  
Blogger ItsTJoint said...

I always thought this was a great idea. Start a bar with an air band. They could play any song from any era and never miss a note.

10:16 PM, June 29, 2006  
Blogger fatty ~ said...

i ROCK at air guitar... especially when i throw in a bit of emotional guitaring and solo in the middle.

4:04 AM, June 30, 2006  
Blogger OnMyWatch said...

ITJ: That is a great idea. And they wouldn't have to deal with set-up and roadies and stuff. :) hilarious.

Fatty: that's terrific, I think I have a job lined up for you at ItstheJoint's joint. keep practicing. :)

4:20 AM, June 30, 2006  

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