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Headline: Possibly Drunk Pelican Hits Windshield

LAGUNA BEACH, Calif. Jun 24, 2006 (AP)— The driver was sober. The bird he hit may have been under the influence. A California brown pelican flew through the windshield of a motorist on the Pacific Coast Highway in Orange County Thursday, and wildlife officials said the bird was probably intoxicated by a chemical in the water.

The Wetlands and Wildlife Care Center has received 16 calls of strange bird behavior in the past week, and was holding three other birds found disoriented and wandering through yards and in streets.

I'm all too familiar with how scary it can be to have a large bird hit your windshield, but I would imagine it would be even more scary on a curvy, mountain road with rocks on one side and a 200 ft drop to the Pacific ocean on the other.

I wonder if there was a bum at the bottom of the hill, squeegee in hand, waiting to clean that off for a few dollars. Hell, even he probably just wandered off to another car.

Considering the pelican is Louisiana's state bird, it doesn't surprise me one bit that it was found to be under the influence. The only thing I do find surprising is that the pelican didn't try to get out of it by saying he was on prescription medication or somehow blaming his condition on President Bush.

After the jaws of life were employed by CHP to get the driver's head out of the pouch, the bird was taken into custody and booked on a felony count of FWI, flying while intoxicated, I'm sure the booking photo looked something like this:









(If you look closely enough you might even be able to see Alfred Hitchcock's cameo appearance.)

Regarding the disoriented birds wandering around aimlessly, there's only one logical explanation that comes to my mind: they were followers of Anne Heche. Hopefully nothing will crash into the mothership before it lands.

This acid actually explains a lot of bad behavior on the west coast.

I am aware Hollywood is all about remakes of masterpieces lately, but the only thing pelicans and Hitchcock have in common is that they both have large gullets hanging from their jaw. So, I hope this story doesn't give them anymore bad ideas.

As shocking as the comparison may be, somehow, the idea of morbid pelicans just doesn't seem like it would draw in millions to the theater, although it is a cool name for a rock band.

But just for the halibut, let's give them 48 hours and see what they can come up with, who knows, they just might have another hit on their hands - at least they do on their windshields.