Negative, G!

Headline: Robot Birth Simulator Gaining Popularity

Noelle's given birth in Afghanistan, California and dozens of points in between. She's a lifelike, pregnant robot used in increasing numbers of medical schools and hospital maternity wards.

According to this report, the computerized mannequin also has been programmed to urinate, emit pulse rates, and breathe. But can she cook and clean is what I want to know. We can only hope she won't be eligible for food stamps, too.

There's also the ability to send wireless signals to create unique situations for the students to react to. I want that job - (insert evil laughter here). Honestly, this is an amazing tool for students of medicine. However, wouldn't it be more realistic if the robot were programmed to scream and curse during the delivery, also?

Another thought that crossed my mind, when I initially read the headline, was that I imagined it to be more like a flight test simulator. A machine that allows you to experience giving birth, as opposed to performing an aircraft carrier landing with an F-18. Is there much of a difference, really?

I mean, there's a delivery system in place for both, there are specific positions you have to be in before you can set that baby down, and you sure as hell don't want it to slide off the edge. But for the former, that whole tailhook thing would hurt like a bitch - yow!

I remember the first time I watched a video in science class of this miracle of life. My face contorted in ways that would’ve made you think I was the one giving birth – or witnessing an exorcism. Nothing about that created a desire in me to have children, to be anywhere near a delivery room, and definitely not become a nurse.

I’ve watched a million of the goriest trauma shows on the Discovery channel without flinching, but every time there are stories of someone having a baby I change the station more quickly than men do when their wives unexpectedly walk in on them watching late night TV -- on a side note, they usually claim they were watching a History channel special. I didn't realize there were Girls Gone Wild in 1947. Imagine that.

Speaking of husbands, I wonder who fathered this computerized child. Although, I’m relatively certain no one would be able to tell the difference between the robot dad and a human one at that point anyway. Whoever it was, I’m sure the child will turn out to be a real chip off the ole block.

As much as this will enlighten and aid medical professionals everywhere, I'll leave the birthing to the robots. In fact, the only time you'll find me strapped in and screaming would be during a 45 degree inverted dive.