Saturday, August 12, 2006

Nutshell Shocked

Headline: Squirrel Attacks Anger Winter Park Residents

Residents are angered over the city's response to a squirrel that attacked at least seven people this month.

My question is how did this squirrel manage to attack so many people and take weeks to finally get caught?

He must've worn woodland BDUs not to have been noticed, unless he just dropped acorn-bombs from towering trees.

Maybe the whole park was booby-trapped. Were there pitfalls near the swingsets? So that when you flew off to land, you crashed through fake grass and landed on wooden spikes?

Was the merry-go-round wired so that when you gave it a good spin, it blew off of the hinges and sailed across the park like a 1950s Sci-Fi UFO?

Those people are just lucky he didn't employ the services of the shithouse rats. I hear those guys are crazy!

They say he was caught, but I'm pretty sure the city officials brought in the only man who could persuade him to surrender: Colonel Trautman.

There have been stories floating around that the squirrel as been interrogated by the officials but he refused to squeal on his fellow rodents.

Hopefully, he'll finally tell them where he has buried the rest of the ammo or they just might have to resort to their best device yet: the nutcracker.


Blogger JohnB said...

Sounds like Rocky's evil twin is out and about, having recently escaped from the nut farm...

5:27 PM, August 12, 2006  
Blogger Ben said...

I knew squirrels are clever but....

My garden is full of them and for the most part I think they're cute as I lay out food in difficult to access areas. They always manage to work it out in the end though.

5:35 AM, August 13, 2006  
Blogger Death Warmed Over said...

Obviously this squirrel was part of the SLF (squirrel liberation front). Supported and financed by the Fundementalist Moles these squirrels battle overtly and covertly against humans of all types. There can be no negotiation with these squirrels and the current proposal of "Nuts and Trees for Peace" should be rejected out of hand. There is no such thing as a sustainable cease fire with the SLF!

6:53 AM, August 13, 2006  
Blogger OnMyWatch said...

John: I wonder what Bullwinkle has to say about all this?!

Ben: better not play too hard to get with the food or they might take action! :)

DWO: Brilliant! Don't even talk about the flying squirrels - Death from above!

You know, I believe there is a brief mention of the secret squirrel society in the DaVinci Code.

4:57 PM, August 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...



5:29 PM, August 13, 2006  
Blogger OnMyWatch said...

HAHAHA! The Priory of Squirrels.

5:50 PM, August 13, 2006  
Blogger Rocky said...

I heard the squirrel blame the hick sheriff for drawing "first blood" by making the town's bird feeders squirrel-proof.

9:24 PM, August 13, 2006  
Blogger Death Warmed Over said...

Its true. All he wanted was something to eat, but that king shit sheriff...he just kept pushing.

4:52 AM, August 14, 2006  
Blogger OnMyWatch said...

rocky - very 'sly' thing to say. :)

4:53 AM, August 14, 2006  

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