Can of Whoop-Ass

Headline: Customer subdues robber with applesauce

PHILADELPHIA - A customer at a city grocery tackled an armed robber and beat him with a can of applesauce when he refused to drop his gun, police said.

It must've been at least a 16oz can because those little snack packs couldn't possibly do that much damage, unless he dropped them on his foot. Ouch!

The report goes on to say the guy was in stable condition at the local hospital. If the staff feels like I do, they would include a nice sidedish of applesauce with his first meal - and force feed it to him.

He should be glad this incident didn't occur in Sam's Wholesale where they sell nothing less than 2-ton cans of anything. Who eats all of that? Who needs to buy a 50 pack of macaroni and cheese?

Here's a tip: any place that requires the use of an industrial-strength warehouse cart to move your groceries around should be the first indicator that you might be over-eating a bit.

Either that or you're a chef at the mountain compound.

Maybe the FBI should start checking Club cards for possible leads into the world of people such as the Branch Davidians. If that doesn't pan out, at least, they can use their 10% government discount on truckloads of applesauce.

Since it has been proven to work out great as a non-lethal weapon, it should be included in their arsenal. Used in conjunction with a Taser and the bad guys would be smelling like your Mom's kitchen on Thanksgiving Day!

Sweet!