Friday, July 21, 2006

Can of Whoop-Ass

Headline: Customer subdues robber with applesauce

PHILADELPHIA - A customer at a city grocery tackled an armed robber and beat him with a can of applesauce when he refused to drop his gun, police said.
It must've been at least a 16oz can because those little snack packs couldn't possibly do that much damage, unless he dropped them on his foot. Ouch!

The report goes on to say the guy was in stable condition at the local hospital. If the staff feels like I do, they would include a nice sidedish of applesauce with his first meal - and force feed it to him.

He should be glad this incident didn't occur in Sam's Wholesale where they sell nothing less than 2-ton cans of anything. Who eats all of that? Who needs to buy a 50 pack of macaroni and cheese?

Here's a tip: any place that requires the use of an industrial-strength warehouse cart to move your groceries around should be the first indicator that you might be over-eating a bit.

Either that or you're a chef at the mountain compound.

Maybe the FBI should start checking Club cards for possible leads into the world of people such as the Branch Davidians. If that doesn't pan out, at least, they can use their 10% government discount on truckloads of applesauce.

Since it has been proven to work out great as a non-lethal weapon, it should be included in their arsenal. Used in conjunction with a Taser and the bad guys would be smelling like your Mom's kitchen on Thanksgiving Day!



Anonymous Anonymous said...

If it happened at Sams, not even Donkey Kong could lift the 50-gallon drums of applesauce needed to subdue the robber.

And what a mess it would be! What a sweet, delicious, and healthy mess...

Mmmm applesauce.... ::drool::

6:27 AM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Death Warmed Over said...

Maybe this is the answer to the war on terror. We could lob giant cans of applesauce at hezbullah. The impact crushes the terrorists then the can breaks open providing a tasty treat to the surrounding populace. Makes collaterial damamge a good thing.
It can't be coincidence that one of the sauce brands is "White House".

6:55 AM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger OnMyWatch said...

Anon: Wipe your chin. :)

DWO: Brilliant!! Call Rumsfeld now!!! We could call it Operation Big Apple (in honor of NYC) or maybe Agent Apple.

make bumperstickers - "The Core Has Landed" :)

7:35 AM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger Death Warmed Over said...

I do however worry about the long term affects of "Agent Apple" on the populace.

Would it be psycological warfare to use unsweetened sauce?

8:27 AM, July 21, 2006  
Blogger OnMyWatch said...

absolutely! unsweetened anything is brutal.

5:47 AM, July 22, 2006  
Blogger David Amulet said...

Getting "sauced" is taking on a whole new meaning!

-- david

9:32 AM, July 22, 2006  
Blogger JohnB said...

I would have staked out the sweeting potato aisle, then ambushing with a bit of yammering...

11:15 AM, July 22, 2006  
Blogger OnMyWatch said...

David: I like the other meaning better, I think.

JB: HA! Don't forget to plunk the little marshmallows...purely for the aggravation factor. :)

11:38 AM, July 22, 2006  
Blogger Enemy of the Republic said...

Well, it beats all the shootings going around here.

6:34 AM, July 25, 2006  
Blogger Rocky said...

At Sam's Club, you can easily subdue any armed person with a Yard-O-Beef. Most of them just run at the sight of a 3-foot summer sausage.

9:26 AM, July 29, 2006  

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